My life being in the state of affairs that it has been in for the last few years is slowly coming to a close. We, family members, have wandered aimlessly, dazed at times, sometimes barely operational, while other moments there has been a focused concensus that as a family we suck. This doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other, rather this is an agreement to allow our discontent with the way things are to ruin our relationships instead of making amends and getting beyond resentments. Is this due to the pain we carry? Possibly.
I have been in an angry, sleep deprived state off an on since I took a night shift job. My frame of mind at this moment is calm and certainly aware of the negative phlegm that needs clearing from our lives. And wisely, I know that all I am responsible for lies within my own heart and mind. This does not mean that I must put up with bad behavior or negative dribble that comes from other family members about choices that I have made. Or that they should tolerate mine.
I have, in the last four months lost my focus on why I created this blog and I’d like to thank the few who have remained constant through these changes. Slowly I will rebuild and create the things that I was supposed to initially. If you link up to Phat-Mom you will see a smidgen of the future. If you’ve read and enjoyed my poetry you will understand a bit more of who I am.
It’s frustrating knowing what you are capable of and not getting the chance to do it. Even worse is when you become engaged in a battle that will certainly be lost and regardless of the cost you continue to search for new weapons. Insanity.
So I make an attempt to clear the air and start fresh without removing the tarnished images. Let these remain as a testament to progress. Let the errors be seen. These mistakes will recede into the background with time.
I have a busy day tomorrow. Or should I say today as now I am a night shift person learning how to plan my days around the necessity of sleep. There are bills to be paid, phone calls to be made, laundry and mundane chores to catch up on, and photographs to be taken. There is art to be made, songs to be written and a life to be lived.
And so I learn.