As I attempt to prioritize the many difficulties that I am breathing through….breathing…not breezing. Wheezing. Climbing uphill through one of those dark moonless nights where even the mockingbird is silent. I begin to reel in the memories of long ago. These fragile creatures floating around me, like the orbs of time in Labyrinth, keep me trudging ahead even even with minutes of backtracking. Lost I blindly stretch my hands touching every memory as if each were a delicate glass unicorn.
My own family thinks the worst of me for trying to accomplish one of most important endeavors in my entire life. And the song “Follow through” by Gavin McGraw is supporting me while I type, wiping away my tears and the spit from my daughter’s mouth. Yes. Hell is real.
UNTITLED, unfinished.
So another page becomes a memory of ours/Another painful thorn within our souls/A sliver hard as diamonds/draining all the powers/this shard is buried deep/but it is mine/and this is one I keep.
I weep for all the lost souls, crawling/scratching out thier lives/every beating heart that once was loved/We turn our eyes away as we move about our days/searching for a safer place to go/then we find ourselves alone in the middle of the night/it’s then we understand what we should know.
I run my hand along its edge and feel the coldness there/I gage the time that’s left/and all the love I have/it drains onto the keyboard with my words.
A lyricist. Yes. A loser, according to my daughter, and a leech. To her I am the filth and sludge that destroyed her family. She is seventeen and I am forty nine. I am the reason she is the way she is. I can accept that. She sees only the worst of me. I have two choices.
Give in or give up? Neither is acceptable. But those are the choices she would give me. I believe that distance is the best thing at this moment even though my heart says hold her close. Though I willingly abandon my family as a means of survival, exiting with as much dignity as wisdom will allow, I will always remember the days we danced between the tears. These were ours.
Unfinished Song
I will always remember the days we danced between the tears, the swirling shadows calling out from passing years, we tried to leave the past and all our fears.
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